I have been an emotional mess this week. I don't know what is going on with me. There has been some stress at my husband's job and the transition of my daughter starting school but that is not what has me in tears.
I sometimes feel like I disappoint God. Like a naughty child who can't seem to follow directions or see right from wrong, I feel like God is looking down at me saying, "oh, Jamie, not again." I mess up a lot. Sinful thoughts, sinful actions. I want to honor God with my life but I find myself choosing to do the wrong things over and over. I am stuck in a pattern of sin and struggling to get out of it. I know I am not alone. No one is perfect, not even close. When you accept God into your heart magic fairy dust does not fall on your head and prevent you from ever sinning again. It is truly a daily and sometimes moment by moment decision to choose to do the right thing.
I have kids. Three of them. Sometimes they act like perfect little angels and sometimes like perfect little devils. I love them when they are angels and I love them when they are devils. I try to help them stay on the angelic side but it is pretty much impossible to accomplish one hundred percent of the time. I think that God loves me in a similar way. His love for me is not dependent on how "good" I am. Of course he wants me to choose the good things and act in a way that honors him but he doesn't love me any less when I mess up (even over and over again).
I get so tired of messing up though. I am so thankful that He is more patient with me than I am with myself. I often find it is easier to accept God's forgiveness than it is to accept my own. I have to forgive myself too. Will I ever be healed of my sins if I continue to be hard on myself? I have to let it go, move forward, accept when I fall, pick myself up and move forward again.
Philippians 3:12-14 says, "Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ has made me His own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
Forget what happened in the past. When I ask for forgiveness I need to then forget that sin and change my focus. Focus on what is ahead, a life without that sin. Visualize it. Plan for it. Move ahead without looking back, and then what God has planned will be made known.
Because God cares so much about us, I believe He can be disappointed with us. But His love for us never changes, and for that I am very thankful.